I met this guy on the bus from Mandalay to Bagan. Can´t remember how i got in, but we started the chat talking about love. Sometimes things just happen, or it was the “Titanic” movie, screening on the VIP bus – miss the noisy Myanmar hit parade.
About love… a deep sadness he is hiding between his cornered cuts, behind his smile. Staging the bottomless of meaninglessness.
Maybe he never felt love.
Loving is not love.
Love is even not a feeling.
It is a system we learned to forsake in upright self-pity our hormone system to survive, evolve, to feel human at all, by definition. To differ pain and compassion.
Maybe he is missing love.
Love is a wandering bum, finding a shiny coin, crashed by a train, haven´t been aware of the rail tracks he was balancing on.
And it just happens again.
Leaving a beloved one is kind of loving, more yourself, not to start having this gnawing emotions caused by staying.
– Love makes me weak.
– That´s maybe a part of love. Not a bad one.
– Hate makes you strong.
– But you need love to hate.
– That´s maybe the problem, that love comes always with a maybe and the risk to fail. Yesterday a dog was following me, one of this grim bastards. Felt kind of chased and safe at the same time, because i had an companion. The dog was getting closer, making strange noises, can´t differ if it was a growl or a howl or a sob. His breath was right at the back of my lower leg, crawling in teethed bloody minds up to my neck. I kept on walking, trying to act normal, not to surprise or fright him with different moves. Felt freezed, caged in my behaviour. To keep it short, at the end, the dog was licking my toes and I was rubbing his ears, offering him my fried rat. Perfect symbiosis! Don´t need a girl-friend. Or like a girl-friend, but the dog left me. Good Riddance!
– I hate dogs.
His smile turned into a more sarcastic expression.
I met this guy on the bus, asking me.
– Are you sad?
– I am not sad, that´s how i look like.
Maybe love doesn´t exist.
Maybe we just don´t wanna be alone. Feel alone, or feel different. Maybe we are animalists, live and fuck in packs. Maybe love is a product, like vibrators, viagra, marriage and or religion. Maybe love is one of the worst problems of our time.
– Maybe you should forgive yourself the debth of self-hatred, for such a long time.
Leonardo is kissing.
– You like to eat rat?
– Tasted like chicken. Honestly, at first i didn´t wanna try at all, because i am vegeterian, well today more used of being one. After the bike driver told me that it´s a rat, i had to try. It was on the countryside, so i didn´t worry at all.
– Yes. You don´t get it in the city.
– And it fitted delicious to the palm tree beer – and the dog, waiting for the crunchy fried tiny bones.
– You like to drink the juice?
– Yeah, the first gulp tasted strange, sweet and bitter, but after a couple of this coconut cup shots the rum from yesterday refreshed and i started to love this white brew.
– You drink rum? You know in Myanmar we say, rum, R-U-M stands for Regular Use of Medicine.
– Yeah i know, the driver told me, we had some glasses at Mann Restaurant, you know.
– Near Nylon Hotel, I think 83th street corner of –
– Yes i know.
– You know Nylon? I stayed there 8 years ago.
– 8 years ago first time in Myanmar?
– Only Mandalay. I think the city has changed a lot. More foreign architecture, glazed business centers. More floors, more motorbikes, more cars and more noise. A lot of more.
– Yes a lot more. I would like to stay at te countryside, more quiet and green.
– I know what you mean. Yesterday i was on the countryside with the driver, where we had the rat. Passing small villages surrounding the center of Mandalay. Very beautiful. And the habitant, they were not interested in me at all. I was there and could just be there. Nobody cared. Different people. I like.
– In Mandalay people always smiling.
– Yes, but not yesterday.
– No smiling?!
– No. Only as i stayed at one place for more than a couple of minutes. Chatting. Well, kind of because they couldn´t speak english, so more watching and touching.
– Why? Maybe that´s how they look like, like me, not sad.
– I actually like that, I think it´s not less friendly and honest. Smiling people, you never know if they wanna hide a curse. And even my lips are more consisting of cornea since I crossed the border to Myanmar. So a break was quite relaxing.
Only me, chuckling.
– You are buddhist?
– Why? Because of my beard?
– No, i am not religious.
– No religion?
– Very good! (Thumbs up). But you like Mandalay?
– I do! Different to Yangon, more modern and kind of more crazy. More drunken people. I wanna come back, next year maybe, maybe for meditation. The driver told me about some famous places to stay. Forgot the names, but i have his mail.
– Meditation, good!
– I have to try. Maybe to find peace or love, for you?
– Maybe. Also for you?
All around the world humans suffering love, have to stand the ideas, rules or behaviours about love and listening to torturing love songs.